True-colors & Dirty Palette

I came across with this lame meme over facebook saying that true friendships overcome distance, cultural differencies and language barriers. I guess they were referring to people who are different nationality but still end up getting along. For me it feels like everyone I meet despite of their nationality are aliens, with strange cultural behavior that I fail to understand.

Mr. O always blamed me for being too naive and only now the past few years I've come to understand what he really meant. Despite of my sarcastic and dark-humored ego, I tend to expect the best out of people. I give everyone I meet a change to show something deeper, real, nice or beautiful about themselves and really keep digging until they prove me wrong. I've met bunch of assholes in my life and yet peoples prone to cruelness and hate seem to shock me all the time. I hate fakeness and artificial friendships and sadly enough, I think it's that deep dislike towards circling around subject thatusually becomes the very end of my relationships.

There's something about me that people don't like. Maybe it's the fact they don't understand me or something I represent to them or maybe I'm the asshole they have met in their life. During my darkest hours this brings me down until I remember that I have managed to find people in my life that seem to understand me, or if not fully understand, at least like me. I've come to notice that even the best of friendships cannot handle lot of arguing which is why I usually have longer friendships with men than women. O and I used to fight on daily basis and even if I don't wish that kind of relationship to anyone, it's him that I can rely on once the shit really hits the fan. I don't know if we ever managed to solve anything but at least we tried. We desperately tried to change each other to better versions of ourselves and I believe we both meant good, even if it was in a very fucked up way. But this isn't about O, not this time.

Something happened two weeks ago that stopped my little world completely. I don't understand it and I have no tools to handle it. I'm not able to talk about it or write about it, I just linger in other reality where I don't have to think anything through. For the first time in my life it feels like someone sliced off a core piece of me and I'm slowly bleeding out until I become a faded, grey piece of a dead meat. I feel like the things that I could always trust in life have vanished completely and it makes me question if they ever truly were there in the first place. I keep running in circles, trying to trace steps back to the moment I lost it, when things started to go wrong. Or were they always wrong, that I do not know. I don't feel like I've changed as a person much, not to the people I hope to know me best at least. Maybe it's not even me who needs to see more clearly or maybe I have just been replaced by natural flow of life, stuff that I don't believe in. One thing is for sure that it hurts like nothing before. Just when colors have finally started to feel brighter and clearer than ever before, I'm afraid I'm getting color-blind once again.

Has someone taken your faith
Its real, the pain you feel
the life, the love
you'd die to heal
The hope that starts
the broken hearts
You trust, you must

Is someone getting the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
somewhere new

I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Foo Fighters - Best of You