Rootless in Stockholm

"Oh Stockholm, that's nice, not far away like Australia!" "Stockholm is like you're not even abroad when you're living there."

Here's some comments I got from people around me when I decided to follow my swedish-finnish inheritance and move accross the little sea to Stockholm. I felt I was being belittled by some about my life-changing moves, cos hey I did leave behind my work, my friends, my family, my home, my country and most importantly my language. Now it's been a month and a half here and I feel like i'm slowly starting to get a grip of my thoughts and feelings again after the blurry mess that comes from well, shredding your life in pieces and rebuilding it elsewhere again. For a person who feels and observes as much as I do, that's not dramatising the situation at all.

I passed out at work yesterday. I think it's important to listen to your body when it says stop so then you stop. I thought about my love-hate relationship with Finland, my homeland I always knew I would move away from some day. I don't miss Finland beside my friends and family of course and the language. I've hated swedish languge since elementary school and thus never bothered to learn it. Now I sit alone at works "fika" room, completely clueless about what the other people are talking around me. I've worked in France and Portugal before so this is not something that comes as new to me. But I'm a talker, and talking has always been easy for me and I need it in order to connect with people. And I really need to connect with people. It is now exhausting, isolating and makes me feel like the people around me consider that I'm not that bright. Then I just have to say few sentences in english, just so that they know there's a living, breathing, thinking person inside this öö-language speaking shell that looks like me.

Swedish people in general are more open, more friendly and have more sense of community that I wish us finns would have. Their straight-forwardness has surprised me as well, people rarely small-talk to you but actually say what they think, but without that sharpness I feel finns often have when they are speaking their minds out loud. I'm also intrigued by the inventiveness and supportive atmosphere lies here. Somehow I feel it's easier to breathe and everything takes less effort to do. But something is missing, something isn't right. I think it's the appriciation to material and money that is so obvious it causes me nausea. It might be the edge, the teeth, the provocative nature I found in Amsterdam and some parts of Portugal that I miss. There's something pretentious here that makes me want to take a grip of the peoples shoulders who pass me by and shake them abit. I'm in need of something more raw and real, the yearning that Africa left in me. I have to go back and explore it more to be sure where I actually want to put my roots down. All this easyness just doesn't fit me.

 

There's a hole in your chest
from the time that you were born
One that don't get filled
'cause you've always known you're nothin' they want


But everybody's bones are just holy branches
ride the breeze to cut patterns in the leaves
And in time we find some shelter
spill our seeds and then wait for our turns
But for now we're adrift on the waves of discontent
trying to carve our place
All in hopes we'll be something they want
but I ain't holding my breath

Trace your fingers down my spine
make your home behind my eyes
line my skull with harmless lies
I'll bide my time until I'm something they want

- Radical Face: Holy Branches