When new year is closing in I have a strong need to wrap things up that happened during this previous year, trace my steps back and try to see the bigger picture of what was said and done. The past ten years have been like running in quicksand, not seeing very clearly but just trying to make my way out of whatever hellhole I've put myself this time into. This year has been different. I feel, maybe even the very first time in my life, calm.

Every morning when I put my jacket on and head outside, I also know I'm heading towards new adventures. All these changes I've made this year seem so logic and natural to myself, it almost feels like they aren't such big deal at all. But they are; they have had a huge impact on me and thus the people around me as well. In the beginning when I moved here, my every day struggle with the language really took the best of me. It's still heavy, eventho now it has become somewhat bareable. I don't know how other people cope with learning a new language seriously. After the summer I faced one of the scariest demons in my life: the Mathmatic Monster and his evil clan of equations. I barely made it out of highschool due to my lack of interest in life sciences. I was very talented in psychology and didn't see the point of challenging myself in something I wasn't good at. How short-sighted and silly I was. So now 15 years later, results of weekly meltdowns and desperation, I finally understand what E=mc2 means. Feels good.

Learning mathmatics, physics and chemistry is like learning another new languages to me. I have to change the way of my thinking completely, to undersand what I don't yet understand. But most importantly, read the patterns of the people who all this comes naturally. I think that's really what intrigues me the most, to be able to have a close look in the minds of those who see the world around me so very differently. The great hunger inside of me is being fed, finally. If not permanently, at least for now and that's more than enough for the moment.


First things first
I'mma say all the words inside my head
I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been

Second things second
Don't you tell me what you think that I could be
I'm the one at the sail,
I'm the master of my sea

I was choking in the crowd
Building my rain up in the cloud,
falling like ashes to the ground
Hoping my feelings, they would drown
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing
Inhibited, limited
'till it broke open and rained down

Oh let the bullets fly,
let them rain
My life, my love, my drive, it came from

Last things last
By the grace of the fire and the flames
You're the face of the future,
the blood in my veins

Imagine Dragons - Believer