Thirty-Something

Birthdays are hard. They have always been extremely hard for me, ever since I was a kid. I have too many expectations eventhough every year I'm more or less disappointed. I remember everyone who has congratulated me previous year and keep a list in my head of those who forgot it this year. I'm literally afraid of my own obsessive rituals for it and the disappointments just feel as tough as they did when I was 8. Why didn't they congratulate me this year, is it because they don't care or they forgot or they don't want to? All the options feel equally as bad. I get sad and desperate and feel like there's no place for me in this world. The next day I'm back to my rational self.

As many others, I can't believe how old I am now. Just a moment ago I was a child, playing with my little ponies out on the grass and waited for school to start. Just a moment ago everything I did was new and now it feels like you're just repeating the same patterns to feel secure. Few years ago I noticed I had slowly started to get afraid of lot of things, I couldn't go for rollarcoaster ride cos it was too scary, I didn't want to travel outside Europe 'cos it felt too scary, I didn't want to drive a car too fast cos it was too scary. I hate being afraid since there was a time in my life that was all I could do. Back then I really thought it would never end. Here I am, 18 years since those times and I'm stronger and happier as I have ever been.

I do believe we never get completely out of our hightschool roles, at least some of those I carry with me to grave. And when I notice those parts about myself, I feel like I haven't aged a day. The classic interview question of the celebretities in America "What would you say to your 14 year old self?" makes me cry almost every time. Reading back my journals from those days are almost terrifying. What a sad little girl I was, full of loaded anger that motivated me for a long time when I wasn't so little anymore.

This year I spent my birthday as every year, but now with a bitter-sweet smile on my lips cos of my own behavior. I guess that means I've grown a bit. I would say to my 14 year old self that don't you worry, there'll be a time when you find someone who doesn't think you're difficult, who can take the full range of your thoughts and emotions and just stand there calm, with his serious eyes focused and his arms open loving and caring. The strongest man in the world.

 

Varteen tien seisakkeen,
muistoksi tulevaisuuteen
Veitsellä kaiverran,
seiniin menneen maailman
kirjaimet sun ja mun,
kahden ei-toivotun
Tartu kii, piirrä tähdet silmiin

Kalliot suojaa mua,
kun mä tahdon rakastaa sua
Lauluihin valaiden
ja sun kainaloon nukahtaen
Luottaen lepäämään vahingoitettu jää
kätes sun vielä mua silittää

Aamuun päin me ajetaan,
rantoja pitkin,
läpi koko maa
Ajetaan kovaa,
ollaan ihan hiljaa
Saat kaataa mun napaan tequilaa
Oot mun nouseva aurinko
ja mun ainoa kotimaa
Aja mihin vaan,
motellissa jossain
saat kaataa mun napaan tequilaa

Vesala - Tequila