Your Amateur Girlfriend

The radio silence has been going on for long enough. The downside of having a public blog is that no matter how hard I try to shut the idea of specific readers out, I  always can't. I've tried to be unselfish and for that I haven't simply been able to write about the things I would want to write. And when I want to write about something, I can't change the subject 'cos of "shouldn'ts" so thus I've remained silent. It's pretty awful and I hate it.

Skipping the negative parts of a break-up, people including myself try to soothe themselves with the idea of learning something about this. Good thing is that break-ups usually don't teach you only about the current situation, but about all the relationships you've ever had as well, if you're lucky. In the verge of breaking up you often selfishly focus on thinking of if the partner was good for you. I've always known what I want so it's not very fruitful for me to ponder that too much. But was I a good girlfriend? Have I ever been?

To answer that I'd need to first define what is a good girlfriend/partner. The most common things mentioned is a woman who cooks, cleans, takes care of the children and gives regular blowjobs. Doesn't bitch too much. It all sounds abit too shallow ofc. I'm bitching if I have something to bitch about, if it makes me a bitch then I don't think we're a match. But did I support and encourage him enough? Have I forced him to speak when he wants to shut down? Did I hug enough? Did I let him slip away? Did I took a step back and look at my own actions in a critical way? Was I understanding when I didn't feel like it?

In romantic and non-romantic relationships, I've often been called demanding. Yes and no, I recognize that about myself but for me its more like basic things that you can expect from the people around you, not something special or that I would be asking too much. What I hate is that I can hear him of these words, how he always felt misunderstood 'cos of this. How painfully similar we deep down were. But 'cos of him I know how the demands can be hurtful to the people around you, leaving you with the feeling that you're never enough. I don't want that.

Do not criticize him.

Do not criticize him.

Never criticize him.

Is now loud and clear in my head. And I hope it stays there for a long time.

One lesson learned.

 

You look like a perfect fit,
for a girl in need of a tourniquet

You struck me dumb, like radium
Like Peter Pan, or Superman,
you have come to save me
come on and save me
If you could save me,
from the ranks of the freaks,
who suspect they could never love anyone

Aimee Mann - Save Me