It has been a strange year. It's been filled with utmost, pure joy but still the past 6 months I've concentrated on falling down and staying down. Something came up and there was no way around it, since it has happened so many times before I had no other choice than to stop.
I started to experience things I haven't felt before, like feeling so deep anxiety I couldn't move my hands or legs when laying down and should've gotten up. My thinking became obsessive and I was incapable to stop a new round from starting. My nightmares got even more vivid they had been and I started having hypnopompic hallucinations weekly (when before they've occurred once a month). I felt extremely weak and scared all the time and for the first time in my life, I needed meds to get through the worst. I decided that I'm not this person and the only way I've survived before, is to keep digging until I find myself again.
So I did go all the way back to my youth and started telling people what happened then. Despite of being pretty straightforward and open about my thoughts and feelings usually, this part of my life I've kept well-hidden. I could hear my voice shaking, pulse get higher, my body getting ready to run as I spoke. I did various PTSD tests and scored pretty high on all of them. Hours and hours of loneliness and tears, loyal friends CMX & NIN. The Affair on the tv. Psychology books all over the bed and floor. The Blazing World by Siri Hustvedt, god I love that book like nothing's given me as much comfort before. When I finally got a face for my problem, I started to get better. I was again in control of my own thoughts and the nightmares have disappeared. This experience once again showed me how fast and sneaky I can go down if I don't stop and do the things that are me.
En taida enää jaksaa silmiäni ummistaa
Mä sydämeni avaan ja jään sun aamua odottamaan
Kun taas nähdä saan sinitaivaan
Se mua muistuttaa
kuinka suurta kaikki pieni onkaan
Opasta mua aurinko, mä pelkään pimeää
Polta jo pois ahdinko, mä kaipaan elämää
Näytä mulle tie aurinko sun uuteen aamuun
Kaikki tää murhe ja vahinko sun tuuleen haihtuu
- Reino & The Rhinos: Aurinko