Day 27. My foot is quite alot better, thank god for that. A month has passed and I'm not entirely sure how the days go, the difference between night and day has pretty much been blurred. Some moments my head is completely numb, unable to think, feel or take action and then it suddenly switches into sharp over thinking and feeling mode. I'm not sure which one is more consuming but I'm definite that the more I sit alone at home, the more outsider I start to feel. I'm not my own best company.
Sensitivity seems to be a popular subject these days in the virtual reality. Story of my life; I've been trying to figure out my own sensitivity as long as I can remember. I hate the term "Highly sensitive person (HSP)" because I rarely feel much in common with the people who use it to describe themselves. I've met whole lot of people who are very sensitive to all kind of stimulation but yet lack the observation skills that I would assume them to have for being HSP. Then there's the group who is sensitive 'cos of their bad self-esteem that I don't really consider being the same thing at all. Some are a mixture of those three but more important to me is how those people have learned to live with their sensitivity. And what do they do with it.
From what I've seen in one end of the scale is my own father, who is one of the most sensitive people I've met in my life, drinking his feelings into oblivion so he doesn't have to learn to deal with the complexity of what he is. Some shut themselves from the outside world, wrapping inside a blanket but without the bottle/drugs/etc but with the same need to escape, just not so much from themselves but all that is waiting for behind the door. Sensitivity is described as being a curse and a blessing but it can also be a deadly weapon. That's one of the things that I don't like about people who call themselves HSP, they seem to easily fall into the role of a victim and I can't stand martyrdom. Sensitive people can also have very good skills in hiding their true feelings, taking different roles and even acting cold. Good manipulators aren't always the sociopaths but more oftenly, the sensitive ones. Sensitivity is not a synonym for kind-heartness or means that the person is automatically gentle.
I've went through all the phases listed above and can finally say that I've managed to find some sort of peace with being the observer that I am. I prefer to use that word over HSP 'cos it has more of a vibe that you're in control instead of just being a passive object that keeps sucking in everything that happens around it, finally overwhelming itself. There's always going to be days when I hate myself and everybody around me, more oftenly when I feel misunderstood or cannot explain myself, what I see and why. But what saddens me the most are people with whom I don't even try to do so, that I instantly know they are never going to get it. And the ones who feel the same way when they look at me.
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very, very mad world
Gary Jules - Mad World