Force Shutdown

2014 disappeared somewhere and somewhere along the way, I lost the joy of photographing. This blog became useless for its original purpose, but it didn't take me long time to remember that I have to write in order to prevent my head from falling into pieces. Somethings change over the years and eventhough I've been able to find lightness and easyness into my life, the old me is still there. The me that sees the world through hourglass-eyes and the me that gets fairly easily overwhelmed by little things that some run fast by. I'm not able to capture or create those moments with my camera at the moment, but maybe I will be again eventually.

This week I broke my right foot and been unable to walk ever since. It's fascinating how quickly you will notice how fragile your body is and how it starts to effect on your mind. All the little mechanics you use day to day will be taken away from you and after that you got no other chance but go back to basics. What am I without one leg, still a human, still me? Defininetly still me but in a less functioning form. The other way around it takes longer time to notice that you're not ok. When your mind starts to crumble you keep pushing until your body eventually will fall apart as well.

I've always kept close alliance with my body and mind and never been a believer of separating them. For example I rarely eat painkillers for the simple reason I need to know when my body is trying to tell me something. I also know that when I start to feel like I want to numb the physical pain, that I don't have time to stop and listen, I'm getting closer to torturing my mind and further away from myself. Same thing goes for having one-night-stands, I've never been able to understand how people can split themselves in two and just give their body away and leaving their mind somewhere waiting meanwhile. This is something that I have explained over and over again to other people and most likely will have to do it the rest of my life as well.

Despite the fact that I'm now struggling with just one functional foot, I'm not a very physical person. Maybe I try to compensate that by trying to understand my body better. When it comes to understanding my mind, I really need to write. I will change soulmodifications to something else when the time is right and meanwhile update the blog now without pictures.

I was screaming into the canyon
at the moment of my death
The echo I created
outlasted my last breath

I have only one thing to do and that's
to be the wave that I am and
sink back into the ocean

Fiona Apple - Container