E=mc2

When new year is closing in I have a strong need to wrap things up that happened during this previous year, trace my steps back and try to see the bigger picture of what was said and done. The past ten years have been like running in quicksand, not seeing very clearly but just trying to make my way out of whatever hellhole I've put myself this time into. This year has been different. I feel, maybe even the very first time in my life, calm.

Every morning when I put my jacket on and head outside, I also know I'm heading towards new adventures. All these changes I've made this year seem so logic and natural to myself, it almost feels like they aren't such big deal at all. But they are; they have had a huge impact on me and thus the people around me as well. In the beginning when I moved here, my every day struggle with the language really took the best of me. It's still heavy, eventho now it has become somewhat bareable. I don't know how other people cope with learning a new language seriously. After the summer I faced one of the scariest demons in my life: the Mathmatic Monster and his evil clan of equations. I barely made it out of highschool due to my lack of interest in life sciences. I was very talented in psychology and didn't see the point of challenging myself in something I wasn't good at. How short-sighted and silly I was. So now 15 years later, results of weekly meltdowns and desperation, I finally understand what E=mc2 means. Feels good.

Learning mathmatics, physics and chemistry is like learning another new languages to me. I have to change the way of my thinking completely, to undersand what I don't yet understand. But most importantly, read the patterns of the people who all this comes naturally. I think that's really what intrigues me the most, to be able to have a close look in the minds of those who see the world around me so very differently. The great hunger inside of me is being fed, finally. If not permanently, at least for now and that's more than enough for the moment.

 

First things first
I'mma say all the words inside my head
I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been

Second things second
Don't you tell me what you think that I could be
I'm the one at the sail,
I'm the master of my sea

I was choking in the crowd
Building my rain up in the cloud,
falling like ashes to the ground
Hoping my feelings, they would drown
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing
Inhibited, limited
'till it broke open and rained down

Oh let the bullets fly,
let them rain
My life, my love, my drive, it came from
pain

Last things last
By the grace of the fire and the flames
You're the face of the future,
the blood in my veins

Imagine Dragons - Believer

True-colors & Dirty Palette

I came across with this lame meme over facebook saying that true friendships overcome distance, cultural differencies and language barriers. I guess they were referring to people who are different nationality but still end up getting along. For me it feels like everyone I meet despite of their nationality are aliens, with strange cultural behavior that I fail to understand.

Mr. O always blamed me for being too naive and only now the past few years I've come to understand what he really meant. Despite of my sarcastic and dark-humored ego, I tend to expect the best out of people. I give everyone I meet a change to show something deeper, real, nice or beautiful about themselves and really keep digging until they prove me wrong. I've met bunch of assholes in my life and yet peoples prone to cruelness and hate seem to shock me all the time. I hate fakeness and artificial friendships and sadly enough, I think it's that deep dislike towards circling around subject thatusually becomes the very end of my relationships.

There's something about me that people don't like. Maybe it's the fact they don't understand me or something I represent to them or maybe I'm the asshole they have met in their life. During my darkest hours this brings me down until I remember that I have managed to find people in my life that seem to understand me, or if not fully understand, at least like me. I've come to notice that even the best of friendships cannot handle lot of arguing which is why I usually have longer friendships with men than women. O and I used to fight on daily basis and even if I don't wish that kind of relationship to anyone, it's him that I can rely on once the shit really hits the fan. I don't know if we ever managed to solve anything but at least we tried. We desperately tried to change each other to better versions of ourselves and I believe we both meant good, even if it was in a very fucked up way. But this isn't about O, not this time.

Something happened two weeks ago that stopped my little world completely. I don't understand it and I have no tools to handle it. I'm not able to talk about it or write about it, I just linger in other reality where I don't have to think anything through. For the first time in my life it feels like someone sliced off a core piece of me and I'm slowly bleeding out until I become a faded, grey piece of a dead meat. I feel like the things that I could always trust in life have vanished completely and it makes me question if they ever truly were there in the first place. I keep running in circles, trying to trace steps back to the moment I lost it, when things started to go wrong. Or were they always wrong, that I do not know. I don't feel like I've changed as a person much, not to the people I hope to know me best at least. Maybe it's not even me who needs to see more clearly or maybe I have just been replaced by natural flow of life, stuff that I don't believe in. One thing is for sure that it hurts like nothing before. Just when colors have finally started to feel brighter and clearer than ever before, I'm afraid I'm getting color-blind once again.

Has someone taken your faith
Its real, the pain you feel
the life, the love
you'd die to heal
The hope that starts
the broken hearts
You trust, you must

Is someone getting the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
somewhere new

I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Foo Fighters - Best of You

Rootless in Stockholm

"Oh Stockholm, that's nice, not far away like Australia!" "Stockholm is like you're not even abroad when you're living there."

Here's some comments I got from people around me when I decided to follow my swedish-finnish inheritance and move accross the little sea to Stockholm. I felt I was being belittled by some about my life-changing moves, cos hey I did leave behind my work, my friends, my family, my home, my country and most importantly my language. Now it's been a month and a half here and I feel like i'm slowly starting to get a grip of my thoughts and feelings again after the blurry mess that comes from well, shredding your life in pieces and rebuilding it elsewhere again. For a person who feels and observes as much as I do, that's not dramatising the situation at all.

I passed out at work yesterday. I think it's important to listen to your body when it says stop so then you stop. I thought about my love-hate relationship with Finland, my homeland I always knew I would move away from some day. I don't miss Finland beside my friends and family of course and the language. I've hated swedish languge since elementary school and thus never bothered to learn it. Now I sit alone at works "fika" room, completely clueless about what the other people are talking around me. I've worked in France and Portugal before so this is not something that comes as new to me. But I'm a talker, and talking has always been easy for me and I need it in order to connect with people. And I really need to connect with people. It is now exhausting, isolating and makes me feel like the people around me consider that I'm not that bright. Then I just have to say few sentences in english, just so that they know there's a living, breathing, thinking person inside this öö-language speaking shell that looks like me.

Swedish people in general are more open, more friendly and have more sense of community that I wish us finns would have. Their straight-forwardness has surprised me as well, people rarely small-talk to you but actually say what they think, but without that sharpness I feel finns often have when they are speaking their minds out loud. I'm also intrigued by the inventiveness and supportive atmosphere lies here. Somehow I feel it's easier to breathe and everything takes less effort to do. But something is missing, something isn't right. I think it's the appriciation to material and money that is so obvious it causes me nausea. It might be the edge, the teeth, the provocative nature I found in Amsterdam and some parts of Portugal that I miss. There's something pretentious here that makes me want to take a grip of the peoples shoulders who pass me by and shake them abit. I'm in need of something more raw and real, the yearning that Africa left in me. I have to go back and explore it more to be sure where I actually want to put my roots down. All this easyness just doesn't fit me.

 

There's a hole in your chest
from the time that you were born
One that don't get filled
'cause you've always known you're nothin' they want


But everybody's bones are just holy branches
ride the breeze to cut patterns in the leaves
And in time we find some shelter
spill our seeds and then wait for our turns
But for now we're adrift on the waves of discontent
trying to carve our place
All in hopes we'll be something they want
but I ain't holding my breath

Trace your fingers down my spine
make your home behind my eyes
line my skull with harmless lies
I'll bide my time until I'm something they want

- Radical Face: Holy Branches